Truth in Advertising Statement: This won’t be a brigade, more like a reinforced platoon or at most, a weak company. I just liked the alliteration.
Following on from the Field Trial where Sir Rufus Pitt-Bulstrode commanded a scratch platoon against elements of the Wiltshire Police Flying Column, it was obvious that there was an urgent need for a bigger, better organised and trained force to protect the county from external threats. After the exercise, the support troops that Sir Gilbert Hill had seconded to Pitt-Bulstrode returned to Herefordshire, leaving Sir Rufus with two sections, one made up of tenants and staff and the other mainly petty criminals from Felpersham. These units desperately needed proper training and his first thought was to put his wife, Lady Ferocity Pitt-Bulstrode, in charge of that task but on reflection decided against on the grounds that any training régime she set up would certainly be too harsh for the city boys in the Felpersham section. He settled for putting his son Freddie in charge. Freddie had recently returned from Spain where he had been fighting in the International Brigade and was a battle-hardened veteran.
Next, Sir Rufus had a brainwave. He contacted Colonel (Retd.), MFH of the Little Wynkey Hunt. He’d remembered that before the Great War, the MFH of the time had organised a volunteer troop of cavalry to serve as a honorary guard to the Lord Lieutenant at official functions. Being a very rich man, he’d equipped them in imitation of the Life Guards. It was well known that all that equipment was stored in the cellar of County Hall in Borchester. Sir Rufus asked Colonel Pringle if he thought it likely that a troop of ten could be formed from volunteers from amongst the best riders in the hunt. The colonel was delighted by the idea and the thing was done in record time. Sir Rufus had acquired a valuable support weapon – a troop of heavy cavalry.
The Lord Lieutenant’s Guard
Sir Rufus, in the scarlet tunic of his Lord-Lieutenant’s ceremonial uniform, and accompanied by his house-guest, Grand-Duke Ivor Nastikoff, exiled ruler of Bulimia. Nastikoff is Colonel of his own regiment of infantry (now disbanded) and called (confusingly) the Nastikoff Hussars, for reasons long forgotten. He is a distant relative of another of Sir Rufus’ house-guests, Baron Dietrich von Strepsil. The event was captured by a film crew from British Movietone News
This was a good start but more was needed. He began to look round for additions. One appeared almost immediately…………
The weather was fine for the day of the exercise. The two leaders, along with the bishop, met to finalise details an hour before H-Hour. “I need your assurance, gentlemen, that you have made absolutely certain that no live ammunition is available to either side? No shotgun cartridges secreted in poachers pockets; no air rifles or pistols, catapults, bows and arrows or any other missile weapon? And no fireworks or pyrotechnics? Because,” he continued “I think this exercise may get a little rough even without any of that sort of weaponry. The Felpersham section you recruited, Sir Rufus, the “Do-or-Dies as they call themselves, are little more than a bunch of gangsters with no love for the police. And some of the police, in their turn, have quite a simplistic approach to enforcing the laws.”
Sir Rufus and the Chief-Superintendent hastened to assure the bishop that all was in hand and in order. “We both checked our own commands thoroughly then checked each other’s. Confiscated a few bits and pieces; all clear now,” The Chief assured the bishop with Sir Rufus adding his agreement.
“That’s reassuring, gentlemen,” said the bishop “And you will, in turn, be reassured to know that I’ve recruited two umpires to help me with this task.” He indicated his two companions. Presenting a jolly, rotund gentleman, he said “This is Father Fallacious O’Deere “and this”, he continued, pointing to the other man, a taller, more intense personage, “is Presbyter Enoch Tantamount
The Bishop with the two leaders on his left and his assistant adjudicators on his right
“One slight request, said Sir Rufus with untypical diffidence, “the nanny from Herefordshire, Sir Gilbert’s grenade-thrower.” “Yes? What of it,” queried the bishop. “Well, she’s a very determined lady. She says she hasn’t come this far just to throw tennis balls at coppers. She wants to have a few fireworks, just some penny bangers, to make things a bit more realistic.The bishop mused briefly then said “Of course, we can’t have the good lady thinking her time has been wasted. A few penny bangers for her, and only her, will be acceptable.” When Sir Rufus passed the good news to Nanny Pankhurst, she smiled a little smile that could only be called enigmatic.
Formalities concluded, the two leaders returned to their commands and awaited the bishop’s signal which was the firing of the only gun allowed in the exercise – a starting pistol.
The area of the exercise
EXERCISE CONTROLLERS:
Adjudicator: Right Reverend Chauncey Lancelot, Bishop of Felpersham
Umpire: Father Fallacious O’Deere
Umpire: Presbyter Enoch Tatamount
ORDERS of BATTLE:
Wiltshire Police Flying Column Detachment
HQ – Chief Superintendent Ronald Bigsworth-Hill
2 I/c
2 runners
1st Section – 9 rifles, 1 Lewis gun – regular
2nd Section – 9 rifles, 1 Lewis gun – inexperienced
HMG – 1 Vickers and crew – regular
Motorcycle Section – 9 rifles, 1 Lewis gun – regular
Borsetshire Militia
HQ – Sir Rufus Pitt-Bulstrode, Lord Lieutenant of Borsetshire and Squire of Much Rampling
2nd Section, The Felpersham “Do-or-Dies” – 9 smg; 1 Lewis gun – untrained
Seconded from Sir Gilbert Hill’s Volunteers (Herefordshire):
Steam armoured car – regular
POUM mortar section – regular
Mad Wullie McSpaniel – satchel bomber and confirmed maniac
Nanny Pankhurst – grenadier
Position after initial moves to contact
Initially, the police moved with speed and determination. The 1st section sped down the main road and turned left into the lane leading to Bridge Farm. They debussed by the junction and headed for Bridge Farm on foot, not wanting to be exposed to fire whilst in the vulnerable lorry.
The WPFC 1st Section (in helmets) debussed by the telephone box – the 2nd Section’s lorry halts outside Grange Farm
Close behind them, the 2nd section halted outside Grange Farm, debussed and occupied the farm. Meanwhile, the motorcycle section roared up the secondary road to the east of Grange Farm, heading for Brookfield with the HMG in support. The Chief Superintendent set up HQ to the south of Grange Farm.
2nd Section debuss from the rear of their lorry
The Chief sets up HQ
Sir Rufus sent the steam armoured car straight along the main road with the intention of securing the cross road. The 1st section followed them until the hills to the west petered out then turned off the road. They’re objective was Bridge Farm. The support elements came up the main road behind 1st Section with the objective of supporting the armoured car at the crossroads.
Sir Rufus’ armoured car approaches the crossroads, followed by the support elements. The 1st Section has turned off the road
The 2nd Section, the “Felpersham Do or Dies” debussed north of their objective, Brookfield, and straggled towards it.
The Do or Dies disorganised move on Brookfield
The two sides were almost immediately visible to each other. The police 1st Section filed down the lane towards Bridge Farm and immediately found that Sir Rufus’ 1st Section were heading in the same direction. Fire was exchanged and the umpires allocated casualties to both sides. The police, being behind some cover, came off the better.
The police 1st Section and the Borsetshire 1st Section exchange fire
Grange Farm was successfully occupied by the police 2nd Section whilst the Borsetshire armoured car reached the crossroads with the support weapons close behind. Nanny Pankhurst, Mad Wullie McSpaniel and the spotter for the POUM mortar section debussed and proceeded on foot alongside the armoured car.
Signor Vittore Lombardi proudly carries the flag of The Bulk Importers Volunteers, a unit in Sir Gilbert’s Hill’s volunteer force
At Brookside, the Do or Dies got behind the stone wall on the track leading to the farm. Opposite them, the police motorcycle section had dismounted and were also approaching the farm. Once again, fire was exchanged. This time, the umpires decided both sides had one casualty – the benefit that the Do or Dies received from their stone wall cover being offset by their lack of discipline and training.
The Do or Dies engage the dismounted motorcycle section. Brookside is to the right of the photo
The police HMG was deployed near Grange Farm covering the crossroads The police 1st Section, although harassed by fire from their opponents, successfully reached Bridge Farm with minimum casualties.
The running fight between the two 1st Sections as both try to be first at Bridge Farm
Their opponents, the Borsetshire 1st Section were still challenging them for possession but had lost far more men.
The police reach Bridge Farm first
In the centre, the armoured car exchanged fire with the police HMG without casualties on either side. The Borsetshire support elements were still milling about by the armoured car although the mortar spotter pushed on with determination.
The mortar spotter bravely advancing – he is by the front left wheel of the armoured car
Police HQ retired to cover and The Chief dismounted from his command vehicle
The Chief on foot and the HMG, being scrutinised by the bishop, engages the enemy armoured car
At Brookside, the Motorcycle Section echeloned right to get behind the farm whilst the Do or Dies kept up an ineffective fire whilst also edging closer to the farm.
The dismounted motorcycle section with the Do or Dies harassing them from behind the stone wall
The survivors of the Borsetshire 1st Section reached Bridge Farm but had been reduced to only three men. They were quickly overwhelmed leaving the farm in the possession of the police.
The outnumbered remnants of Borsetshire 1st Section overwhelmed at Bridge Farm
The armoured car and HMG continued to fire wildly at each other but the POUM observer was shot by rifle fire from Grange Farm leaving the mortar incapable of accurate indirect fire.
Stalemate as the HMG and the armoured car continue their struggle
Mad Wullie McSpaniel crossed to a small copse by the crossroads where he waited in ambush, furious but largely redundant.
Mad Wullie McSpaniel, well hidden in ambush and seething with impotent fury
Meanwhile, Nanny Pankhurst was sent by Sir Rufus to support the attack on Brookside.
Grenadier Nanny Pankhurst arrives to assist the Do or Dies at Brookside
The situation near the end of the day when the bishop sent word to his assistants to curtail the exercise
The light was beginning to fade and Bishop Lancelot sent runners to his umpires to curtail the exercise. However there was still time for perhaps the most dramatic incident of the day. The Do or Dies had been adjudged to have some success down at Brookside and the police Motorcycle Section had been reduced to four men who took refuge in the farm, besieged and outnumbered by the Do or Dies. However, it looked as though the umpires would have to rule that the farm was still contested when Nanny Pankhurst took a hand in the proceedings. She was a keen cricketer and was a valued member of the Golden Valley men’s first eleven. As well as being an obdurate lower-order bat and a conventional (but wily) off spinner, she was an exceptional outfielder, being able to regularly send the ball from her customary position at cow-corner directly into the hands of the ‘keeper. Now, she reached into her weapons-pram and drew out some of the fireworks that the bishop had allowed her to have. Except, they weren’t quite what the bishop had specified. Instead of an innocent penny banger, she had in her hand a bundle of five, Standard Fireworks, tuppence ha’penny Cannon Crashers, secured by string round a stone. Quickly lighting the fuses, she threw them with marvellous accuracy <she had a sequence of very good dice> through the window above the front door of the farm. The missile hit the wall and bounced down into the farm, exploding with tremendous force. Father O’Deere had just arrived in the vicinity to tell the participants that the exercise was over. He had no hesitation In declaring that the police in the farm were all casualties and that Brookside should be awarded to the Borsetshire Militia side.
Nanny Pankhurst’s spectacular intervention
The bishop convened a meeting with his fellow controllers and after a short discussion, announced that the WPFC had gained the victory, holding two objectives whilst the Borsetshire Militia had one. Actual physical casualties were limited to abrasions, bruises, bleeding shins and just one broken nose – a member of the police 1st Section who “tripped” whilst contesting Bridge Farm with a beefy tenant farmer. His helmet slipped over his face and the rim collided with his nose.
Both commanders declared that valuable lessons had been learned and they were both better prepared to meet the threat from the socialist coalition. Whether this confidence was justified will only be confirmed by victory in the field.
Chief-Superintendent Ronald Bigsworth-Hill, commander of the WPFC, was erupting with impatience to try out his unit now that it was fully equipped and had undergone at least basic training. Chief Constable Brock had confirmed Ronald’s rank (officially, he’d been Acting Chief Superintendent up until now) which served to increase Ronald’s determination to get his men into action.
It was at this time that Chief Constable Brock was contacted by Sir Rufus Pitt-Bulstrode, Lord Lieutenant of the neighbouring county of Borsetshire. The county was under threat from a loose alliance of revolutionary groups that were massing on its northern border. Having largely escaped the ravages of the Civil War, Borsetshire now appeared to be on the brink of invasion and it had to be admitted, it was seriously unprepared. Sir Rufus was acquainted with Brock and they shared a tenuous family link so it was no surprise that he turned to Brock for assistance. He’d heard of the WPFC and was aware that Brock intended it for use anywhere it was needed, not just in Wiltshire. Brock agreed to send a detachment comprising the best trained elements of the Column.
Sir Rufus with Wrench, his butler in the cosy comfort of the butler’s pantry. They are discussing the arrangements for upcoming visit of Chief Superintendent Bigsworth-Hill. Esmeralda Golightly VII, one of Sir Rufus’ Afghan hound is with them
Encouraged by this, Pitt-Bulstrode set about organising some Borsetshire units. He also contacted his cousin, Sir Gilbert Hill. Hill lead a well trained company of volunteers who had seen service defending Herefordshire’s Golden Valley. They had subdued all local attempts to wrest control of the valley from Sir Gilbert and so he was able to second some of them to assist Sir Rufus. Sir Gilbert is also the uncle of Chief-Superintendent Bigsworth-Hill.
Reinforcements from Sir Gilbert Hill. Lead by Freddie, Sir Rufus’ son who has been helping Sir Gilbert, they comprise some much-needed support weapons including the famous steam armoured car, the POUM mortar crew, Mad Wullie McSpaniel the tank hunter and Nanny Pankhurst, the grenadier
The Chief-Superintendent was delighted by news of action for his command and within hours of the co-operation deal being finalised, he set off for Borsetshire in his new scout car with Sergeant Ted Mundy driving. The detachment was due to follow within 48 hours but Ronald wanted to meet Sir Rufus as soon as he could and discuss how best to proceed with their unified force.
“The Chief” approaches Much-Rampling manor for his meeting with Sir Rufus
Sir Rufus may have been slightly anxious for the safety of his gateposts as “The Chief’s” armoured car bore down upon them. However the driver, Sergeant Ted Mundy, swept safely through with some aplomb
They met at Sir Rufus’ country house and, after meeting Lady Pitt-Bulstrode and the five Pitt-Bulstrode daughters, the two leaders got down to serious talks.
Sir Rufus and his wife, Lady Ferocity, greet “The Chief”. With them is their second daughter, Lady Recreation Pitt-Bulstrode, her mother is keen for her to meet the dashing Chief-Superintendent. There are 5 daughters altogether but the eldest, Lady Anticipation, has no interest in meeting eligible young men – she prefers horses, dogs and slaughtering wildlife
It soon became clear that neither were completely happy with the standard of training their men had had or, indeed, their own preparedness for command. Neither had commanded more than a section of about ten men. The way forward occurred to both of them almost simultaneously. “Let’s organise a field exercise – your lot against mine” said Ronald “Do you know, I was thinking along the same lines myself” retorted Pitt-Bulstrode. Once that decision was made, organising the event was completed in a matter of days. “We’ll stage it in the Ambridge area,” decided Sir Rufus “There’s some unruly elements in that part who have caused me some trouble recently so a show of force there would be very useful.” The two men quickly agreed on what units could take part and Sir Rufus supplied the necessary maps and a day was set for the action to take place, a week hence.
The crucial meeting between Sir Rufus, “The Chief” and the Bishop of Felpersham, the Right Reverend Chauncey Lancelot
It so happened that the Bishop of Felpersham was at The Manor on other business and, as an ex-Colonel in the Royal Marines, he was delighted to accept the rôle of adjudicator. “If there’s one man from Borsetshire we can trust to be neutral, it’s got to be the Bishop,” joked the Chief Superintendent, slapping the worthy prelate on the back.
A scenario was devised based on the premise that the Crown Jewels had been spirited out of London and hidden in the Ambridge area of Borsetshire. The object of the exercise was to secure the three farms in the exercise area. As soon as he got back to his palace, the bishop began deciding the details of the exercise.
Sir Albert “Badger” Brock, Chief Constable of Wiltshire Police, hasn’t taken sides in the Civil War; his preoccupation is good order within the law. He’ll support any faction he considers is closest to his values. In his opinion, this precludes communists or BUF, both of which he’ll always oppose without exception. Whether or not a faction is actually communist of Fascist is decided by Brock himself.
Chief Constable Brock in the uniform of Honorary Colonel-in-Chief of Sir Gilbert Hill’s Legion of Frontiersmen
When he conceived the idea of a Flying Column, he had in mind a unit of about 30 specially selected constables and sergeants, organised in sections of 10 and provided with requisitioned transport to enable them to quickly deploy to trouble spots in Wiltshire and further afield if requested. Realising that this new force needed a dynamic leader with a modern outlook, he decided to appoint Ronald Biggsworth-Hill to the position. On the face of it this was an extraordinary decision. Biggsworth-Hill had served briefly in the BUF and had no police experience whatsoever. However, Brock saw the qualities in the young man that were required for this job and appointed him as leader of the Column with the rank of Chief Superintendent.
Chief-Superintendent Bigsworth-Hill in his rather operatic, self-designed, uniform
Many knowledgeable people were very surprised when the photographs of the Column’s Passing Out parade appeared. No longer was it a group of 30 coppers in old delivery vans. Where had all this extra equipment come from?
The answer was from the exertions of its leader, Ronald Biggsworth-Hill. He had set to work immediately with great enthusiasm and gusto. His boss had initial concerns about him designing and wearing an elaborate uniform and shaving his head like the Italian dictator Mussolini. However Bigsworth-Hill convinced him that this was necessary to give a sense of esprit de corps to the new unit. Once over that hurdle, Biggsworth-Hill looked round for ways of increasing the effectiveness of the Column. Leaving the training of the rank and file to his experienced sergeants, he made excursions to nearby Salisbury Plain to see if there may be useful equipment abandoned, mislaid or forgotten by the army in the confusion caused by the out break of the Civil War.
He was in luck right from the start. In an abandoned RAOC workshop, he discovered a neat little armoured scout car. It was a prototype that had been under assessment by the army but forgotten about when hostilities broke out. Along with the vehicle itself were a mass of spares, manuals and tools. Within 24 hours, Biggsworth-Hill had the whole lot shipped to his Wiltshire HQ. He had found himself a suitably impressive command vehicle. Within days, and greatly encouraged by his find, he was back on the plain, scouring it for useful kit.
The Chief with his “neat little scout car”
He quickly made a very useful find; a Vickers machine gun, complete with spares and plenty of ammunition. Bizarrely, he discovered the Vickers in the deserted married quarters of a Pay Corps Lieutenant-Colonel! This find was whisked off to HQ and Bigsworth-Hill continued his searches.
The Vickers MG – crew in training
After his initial successes, the next few days were a disappointment until one of his team reported spotting an isolated shed at the end of disused track. “You never know”, thought Bigsworth-Hill and set off to investigate. And hit the jackpot! Inside the shed was an 18pdr gun, with a full complement of spares, tools, manuals and ammunition. It was an obsolescent MkII but had never been used. Bigsworth-Hill surmised that it may have been a reserve gun in a unit that was converted to the MkIV and had just been overlooked during the swap over. Whatever the actual story, he didn’t care – it was his now.
The “jackpot” – The Chief’s 18pdr
Back at HQ, Chief Superintendent Bigsworth-Hill was a happy man after his acquisitions on Salisbury Plain. Happy but not satisfied. He wanted a fast, reconnaissance element in his command. His first thought was mounted infantry but all his modernist ideals rebelled against the notion of horses. Mechanisation was his watchword. Motorcycles were what he needed but they were at a premium. The Civil War had virtually ended production of British machines and existing stocks had been hungrily snapped up by the various factions at the beginning of the war. Even requisitioned bikes were hard to come by and anyway, a hodge-podge of assorted vehicles was unacceptable equipment for what was intended to be the élite unit in his command. He discussed the problem with Chief Constable Brock who was sympathetic. A day later, Brock telephoned Bigsworth-Hill and told him he may have hit on a scheme that would solve the motor-cycle problem. “Can’t say any more just now. Leave it with me” he said and hung up.
Bigsworth-Hill heard no more for a couple of weeks and concentrated on the training of his machine gun and artillery crews. Then he was called in to see the Chief Constable. Without any preamble, Brock told Bigsworth-Hill that there was ship docking in Liverpool in a week’s time and on it was a consignment of Harley-Davidson motorcycles for the reconnaissance section. They were to be taken by rail to Swindon from where Bigsworth-Hill was to collect them. He was astounded! How had this come about? It transpired that in the 20’s, Brock had spent some time In Milwaukee with the local police department. He had kept in touch with several senior men there. They in turn had good relations with the Harley-Davidson company that was based locally. A call from Brock oulining his problem had produced a typical no-nonsense, “can-do” response from the Americans and this was the result. Bigsworth-Hill had his motorcycles.
Largesse from The States – The Chief’s motorcycle dream realised
His good fortune was not yet exhausted. He travelled to Swindon with sergeant Ted Mundy to organise the transport back to HQ of the motorbikes. Overnight, in a pub by the goods yard, Mundy got into conversation with a member of the GWR Railway Police who mentioned that a lone tank had been sitting on a flatbed in the sidings for months, covered by a canvas sheet. Apparently it was a Canadian design which had been sent to the UK for appraisal and no-one knew what to do with it. Coupled to the flatbed was a goods wagon which contained everything necessary to get the tank serviceable and maintain it. Ted passed this information onto Bigsworth-Hill who recognised another opportunity. Within twenty-four hours the unwanted tank had a proud owner and was attached to the first goods train headed for Devizes.
Out of the blue – The Chief finds some armour
With this acquisition, Chief Superintendent Bigsworth-Hill felt his command was equipped for action. The next step would be to find out how his men would perform in action. Had their training been successful? Would their equipment justify the effort that had gone into finding it? It was time to find out.
After intensive training, including gruelling manoeuvres on Salisbury Plain, Chief Superintendent Ronald BiggsWorth-Hill is satisfied that his new command has reached a state of high efficiency and is ready for action.
A colourful parade is organised at the new unit’s secret Wiltshire HQ, Chief Superintendent Biggsworth-Hill himself taking the salute
Here we see The Chief (as his men affectionately call him) saluting his favourite unit, the Motorcycle Fast Reaction Section.
The climax of the parade was the complete Flying Column arrayed on the nearby sports ground. A brave sight indeed, guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of all who may oppose good order in Wiltshire and beyond
There have been various rumours recently of strange happenings in the Fawcett Magna area – lurid tales of weird creatures, pagan rituals and such like. With so many problems to deal with, Sir Rufus has tended to dismiss such wild talk as nonsense.
However Temerity Ping, the SIS agent allegedly on leave-of-absence and currently a house-guest of Sir Rufus, is less dismissive. Her father, Dr Paddy Ping, is the GP in Fawcett Magna and he’s been keeping her informed of events in his area. She now has a photo, recently sent to her by her father and taken by a local reporter which she feels needs investigating. Sir Rufus is submerged in preparations to prevent a socialist invasion of Borsetshire so remains unable and, indeed unwilling, to deal with spooks and phantoms so Temerity decides to visit her father and see what is afoot.
The photo was taken by Roger Gently, a reporter on the Borchester Informer. He was anxious to get some practice with his VN Press camera, recently purchased secondhand. He planned to do some nocturnal investigation of the woods in the Fawcett Magna area. After four nights of cold, damp and fruitless wandering, he struck lucky. Spotting movement on the edge of the woods, he took a hasty photo. The VN’s flash gun fired and what Roger saw in that fleeting moment caused him to turn and run, not stopping until he was safe behind his own front door.
When Roger’s photo was printed in The Informer, the reaction was not what he hoped for or expected. Instead of urgent action by the authorities, it was greeted with amusement. Soon groups of people wearing papier-mâché animal heads were a regular sight in Fawcett Magna. Roger was pestered by them mockingly asking if he’d like to take their photo. He recognised most of the voices but just when he was beginning to accept that he’d made a fool of himself, he would be accosted by a group with voices he didn’t recognise and he felt an aura of fear emanating from within the animal heads.
A daytime confrontation but are they pranksters or sinister denizens?
Roger Gently was in despair when his photo of strange creatures in the woods was not taken seriously but everything changed when Temerity Ping arrived. Until then her father, Paddy Ping, and the local vicar were the only two local people sympathetic to Roger but they were at a loss what to do. After chatting to them both for an hour or so and making some notes, Temerity sat back in her chair, took a sip of her gin and tonic (they were in the snug of the Rampant Sparrow, the local pub) and said “Well it’s obvious what your first move is – call a meeting of The Grumblers.”
Temerity Ping crossing the village green at Fawcett Magna on her way to meeting her father in the Rampant Sparrow. She makes sure her back is to the camera in accordance with SIS standing orders
Paddy and the vicar exchanged glances and her father, obviously disconcerted, replied “How do you know about The Grumblers?” She smiled the enigmatic smile that she’d learned as a priority after joining SIS, tapped her nose with her index finger, gave a wink then stood up. Gathering her notebook and pen into her shoulder bag she said briskly “I’ll leave you to it then – must get back to Borchester.” She gave her father a kiss, nodded to the vicar and strode out of the pub. The two men looked at each other, the vicar said “So that’s your daughter then”, Paddy nodded then they both burst out laughing before the vicar said “Right, I’ll get The Grumblers together and we’ll see what’s what.”
The Grumblers were a kind of informal club of local men, mainly middle-aged, who met irregularly to moan about the state of the world and how it could be improved. The movers and shakers of Fawcett Magna were the core of the group; the vicar, the doctor, the bank manager, Roger Gently the reporter and Colonel Savage, retired from the 3rd Battalion The Honourable Regiment of Felpersham Peculiars. Most of them had contacts in the outside world that covered a surprising range of expertises.
The Grumblers – from the left: Colonel Savage; Dr Ping; Roger Gently; The Reverend Mother; Seldom Penitent (bank manager)
It was the vicar who suggested that he contact an old friend who he had known from Cambridge days. They were both studying Divinity but whereas the vicar had followed a predictable path into the church, his friend had immersed himself in a study of the paranormal. After a long and enjoyably disputatious meeting of The Grumblers in the Rampant Sparrow, it was eventually agreed that the vicar contact his old friend for advice. The hope was that he would make a visit to Fawcett Magna to lend on-the-spot assistance. Rather than reply by letter, the vicar’s friend appeared in person the day after the vicar sent his letter. Even better, he’d brought a colleague.
The vicar’s friend was called Professor Magnus although on his card he simply had Magnus P.I. He explained to Colonel Savage that the initials stood for Paranormal Investigator and not Private Investigator. His colleague, also an academic, was Dr Sigurd Nocraties, Academiehoogleraar, Department of the Occult at the University of Utrecht.
Sigurd Nocraties (left) and Magnus P.I. with lamp
With these two experts on hand, able and willing to indulge in direct action, The Grumblers proposed an immediate start on a serious night time search, starting with the grounds of The Old Manor, located just outside the village. It’s derelict and the grounds have run wild. A lot of the foliage looks distinctly foreign, a result of seed hunters sending all sorts of stuff back from oversea in the 19th century.
Apart from the two experts, the search group consisted of the vicar, the Reverend Mother (the unfortunate combination of his title and surname caused the vicar much embarrassment – to his friends, he was known as AE. Why? It’s a long story for another time), Roger the reporter, Dr Ping, Seldom Penitent, the bank manager and Colonel Savage. Once the decision for action was made, they were desperate to get started with the result that they met outside the gates to the Manor park with a motley assortment of equipment – preparations had been haphazard. Most of the participants had improvised a weapon of some sort, there was even a couple of revolvers (although their reliability was in doubt) . On the advice of Magnus P.I., there were various items thought to be useful against paranormal adversaries – silver knives, crucifixes and, bizarrely, bags of salt. On the other hand, only Magnus and Reverend Mother had thought to bring a lantern on this moonless night.
The Manor Park with the sinister form of the derelict manor in the back gound
Before setting off, the vicar reminded his companions that they were acting completely unofficially and that whatever they encountered may be no more than pranksters so resorting to violence, especially involving firearms, must be a last resort. Everyone nodded wisely.
All is quietMaybe TOO quietAt this time of the morning, the streets should be bustling with people and traffic Atop The Folly Tower, the sharp-eyed Renfrew McGruel, head gamekeeper of Sir Rufus Pitt-Bulstrode, spots movement to the north. Could this explain the deserted streets of Much Rampling? YES….! Alerted by a hail from McGruel, Sir Rufus, Lord Lieutenant of Borsetshire, prepares his men for the fight against the encroaching Archer gang with an inspiring addressMeanwhile, the loutish Dan Archer, harangues his ruffianly followers Mrs P (centre, in green) and Clarrie (large lady on the right) are already being difficult. Dan would be wise not to rely on their support
It’s all too likely that the peace of Much Rampling is about to be ripped asunder…….
Although all this armed activity is ostensibly intended to punish the Archer gang for their disgraceful assault upon Constable Smallbottom, the man himself is reluctant to take a leading rôle. As Sir Rufus leads his men against the foe, Smallbottom is noticeable hanging back. “Er, I’m just going to make sure everything’s ok in the Old Town” he calls to the rest of the group as they stalwartly advance. Meanwhile, Dan Archer has his own problems with reluctant followers. Mrs P is still arguing the toss. Doris (in blue hat), on the other hand is eager to get to grips with the enemy. She takes up a commanding position in the butter market, supported by Tom ForestDoris can be seen here in the butter market with Tom Forest to her right. Next to him is young Phil Archer and to his right, by the wall, is Dan himself. Further back in the field by the gate is Bert “Sizzler” Fry. The rest of Dan’s gang have made themselves scarce. Sir Rufus’ men are straggling into action. Wrench, with Lewis gun has gained a good position behind the park wall and Freddie Pitt-Bulstrode is at the corner to his right. The rest are still moving up although there is no sign of SmallbottomThat’s because the constable is guarding the entrance to an alleyway which is no doubt an important thing to do
It looks like the time for manoeuvre is over…….
Oh dear…! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear – now that was brutal. Accurate fire from Wrench and Freddie has brought down Tom Forrest and Young Phil. Dan, never the most subtle of tacticians, reacts true to form. With a fearsome oath on his lips, he charges across the open space at Freddie whilst Doris gives covering fire. Dan is now in advanced middle-age and arrives somewhat out of breath so his brawl with Freddie is inconclusive
This gives Sir Rufus the opportunity to join in the melee, supported by von Strepsil and de LeominsterDoris is still trying to help by taking potshots from the shelter of the butter market Wrench spots Sizzler Fry scurrying across the square towards the corner of the Old Town – surely Smallbottom can deal with this? Apparently not – Fry is in position
Fry prepares to aid Dan who is still battling against increasing odds But it is not to be – ever cool in a crisis, Wrench eliminates the threat Simultaneously, Dan is also overwhelmed Doris escapes and joins the faint hearts who evaded the fight and they make their way back to Ambridge. Dan, Tom Forrest, Sizzler Fry and young Phil are all taken into custody – all the leading lights of the Archer gang have now been taken care of. Sir Rufus and his victorious associates hasten to give Smallbottom the good news
And so the local threat to established order and stability in Borsetshire has been neutralised and Sir Rufus can turn his attention to the existential threat from outside the county…..
After the dreadful assault and gumiliation of Constable Smallbottom and the associated insult and threat it implied against the established law and order, Sir Rufus-Pitt Bulstrode made arrangements to bring the malefactors to book. His dispositions are detailed in a previous post, “Dark Days in Borsetshire”.
Before leading her warriors to battle, Lady Ferocity announced that she was changing the name of the group. She didn’t like the title “Distaff Team”, partly because it was Sir Rufus’ selection and partly because she felt it slightly demeaning. “Henceforth”, she pronounced to loud cheers, “we are The Monstrous Regiment of Women.”
Lady Pitt-Bulstrode announces the change of name to her assembled followers. Photo taken moments before the hearty cheering
The Monstrous Regiment (from now on “MRW”) are in position early, north of Waterley Cross. Persistence Pitt-Bulstrode takes up position on her motorbike ahead of the main group to get early warning of the approach of Jack Archer and his mob.
She doesn’t have long to wait before the distinctive Archer van appears and turns off onto a track leading to an old shack. She’s seen enough and races back to report the arrival to Lady Ferocity.
If she’d waited a little longer, she’d have seen Silas Grundy emerge from the shack with some curious companions. Whist his two Detroit colleagues, concealing their astonishment admirably, make the acquaintance of Silas and his helpers, Jack Archer is watching the road and sees Persistence disappear in the opposite direction. Recognising her bike, he correctly assumed that there is opposition nearby.
Both sides are aware of each other and make their plans.
MRW Objectives. They haven’t prevented Jack Archer gaining reinforcements but their main task is to stop him joining up with Dan Archer in his attack on Much Rampling. To do this, they must secure the crossroads where the B999 to Much Rampling crosses the main Ambridge to Waterley Cross road. As a bonus, if they can eliminate Jack’s group quickly, they could take advantage of the B road themselves and reinforce Sir Rufus.
Jack Archer’s Objectives. First, he needed to meet Silas Grundy and add him and his creatures to the group. This he has done. Second, he plans on joining Dan, via the B999. He has to move quickly to get there in time and he now expects opposition.
It looks like the crossroads will be everyone’s objective. Anyone hoping to have an influence on the action at Much Rampling needs to access the crossroads in a vehicle by the end of the 6th turn.
The Fateful Field – MRW start in the green rectangle. Jack Archer and cronies in the yellow circle. Tge red road is the main Ambridge to Waterley Cross road. The blue road is the B999. The direction to Much Rampling and the other action is bottom left. The all-important crossroads is where the two roads cross 😂
Both sides move into action. The MRW march purposefully up the road with the intention of spreading out to left and right nearer the crossroads. Lady Ferocity leads from the front, flanked by her secretary, Audacity Bunty-Thimble
Meanwhile, Jack Archer has struck out across country to the right of the road with his two Detroit colleagues. He tells Silas to get his scarecrows to the crossroads and keep the opposition busy. One of the scarecrows has an issue with some barbed wire and falls behind.
Lurching stumbling and discarding whisps of straw, the scarecrows, urged on by Silas, approach the crossroads. It has to said, the road surfaces in Borsetshire leave something to be desired.
They are spotted by the MRW. Lady F and Miss Bunty-Thimble open fire, although what effect this will have on scarecrows, they’re not sure of. As it happens, it knocks one over. Taking advantage of the covering fire, Persistence, Miss Ping and Anticipation move into the field to the right – a tactical manoeuvre….!
Ladies Recreation and Reality slide off to the left and we are really hitting our tactical straps with this attempt at a double flank envelopment.
There’s a couple of things must be said about the above photo. First, I’d laid the hedges on their side for some reason and forgot to stand them up again; just ignore them. Second, I have to mention the Belonna/Bellona? walls. I got these in about 1970 and recently found them again. They need repainting and general tarting up. I apologise for their current condition.
A second scarecrow lurches forward and almost contacts Audacity before being brought down in a hail of MRW fire. Bitch, the Doberman bitch, attacks the last scarecrow – it’s a maelstrom of fur and straw…!
Recreation and Reality reach the critical road to Much Rampling. Two things occur to them simultaneously. First, Jack Archer and his Detroit friends are approaching them. Second, they (Recreation and Reality) are not particularly good at fighting. An overviewNature red in tooth and straw – this could go either way
Mayhem….! (I do like that word). Bitch is Down; Scarecrow three is Down; Temerity Ping is Down. But are they Down as in “get the Pearly Gates Open” Down? Or are they Down as in “I don’t feel brilliant so I’ll have a little rest” Down? Agonisingly, we don’t yet know. On a positive note for the MRW, Persistence has scooted over from the right flank and is checking over Bitch.
Meanwhile, on the left, Reality is Down (resting or the unthinkable?) and Recreation has wisely taken cover behind the comforting stone buttresses of the church. Jack Archer, Loquacious Lovelace and Miranda Hazebutt have arrived and they mean business.
Meanwhile, in the centre, it’s a knock ‘em down and drag ‘em out free-for-all. Scarecrow three is Up; Bitch is Up but Temerity is….well, not there . Silas and Persistence have joined in for a real Götterdämmerung in the centre.
Back on the left, Reality is technically Up but has sensibly stayed down (not Down). Jack, Loquacious and Miranda are hunting Recreation round the church.
Back to the centre again (this is exhausting) and Persistence takes out Scarecrow 3 with a pistol shot to the head?. If only it’d been hand-to-hand and I could have said she delivered a punishing haymaker to the straw man. Bitch, Lady Ferocity and Audacity pile onto Silas.
Oh – what happened there? It seems the MRW in the centre have cleaned up their opposition and have switched their attention to the developing crisis on the left.
Well Recreation has managed to stay hidden as Jack and Miranda circle round the church having cunningly split up. But where is Loquacious? And what happened to Reality?
Ahh-ha….! Thats what happened to Reality. While Jack and his friends hunted Recreation, she nipped through the gap in the hedge where the footpath led and escaped. She also has Ladies Anticipation (red beret) and Acceptance (purple dress) moving up in support.
Loquacious is ready to take on Lady Ferocity’s group but is distracted by a ferocious attack from Bitch. She Downs the dog but behind her, Jack is felled by a shot from Anticipation.
Jack is Up again and decides to join Loquacious in her unequal fight against Lady F’s group.
Overwhelming firepower proves too much and Jack is Down……
…….slotted by a long range shot from Anticipation. Seeing this, Loquacious and Miranda realise the game is up and surrender. Jack and Silas are wounded and also captured. Temerity and Bitch eventually respond to treatment. The MRW have prevented Jack from interfering with the fight at Much Rampling and have him in custody but have themselves been prevented from helping Sir Rufus at Much Rampling. Will he have prevailed….?
Sir Rufus Pitt-Bulstrode, Squire of Much Rampling and Lord Lieutenant of Borsetshire, was not a man to brook disorder and criminality in his county. However, matters had slipped recently as the Civil War caused shock-waves through society and advanced ever closer to the borders of Borsetshire. Inveterate disturbers of the peace became ever more bold and none more so than the disreputable Archer family of Ambridge, drunk, thieving, violent and degenerate, they had become a plague of disruption and intimidation for miles around their village base. Sir Rufus decided action must be taken.
To that end, Sir Rufus despatched a slightly anxious constable Smallbottom to Ambridge with orders to arrest a particularly delinquent member of the Archer clan, 13 year old Phillip, on charges of malicious damage. Sir Rufus then departed for meetings at county hall to discuss the imminent threat of invasion from a reported gathering of Socialist revolutionaries.
Constable Smallbottom attempts to arrest teenage hooligan Phil Archer who can be seen in the background on the steps of the shack. Senior Archers seek to prevent the due process of law.
The meetings overran drastically and Sir Rufus was compelled to stay in Borchester overnight so next morning’s excitement at Bulstrode manor was dealt with by Lady Ferocity Bulstrode, his formidable wife. She, like most of the household, was woken early (it was still dark) by the sound of a vehicle braking hard outside the gates to the Bulstrode manor.
A disreputable vehicle arrives outside Bulstrode Manor in the dead of night
This was followed by much slamming of car doors then the sound of the vehicle accelerating away.
Three thuggish individuals exit the van and drag another man from the back of the vehicle and dump him on the road. They then speed away in the van, leaving the man, bound and apparently deshabille, lying in the road.
After a short spell of silence, Lady Ferocity’s maid appeared, dishevelled, and said that Wrench, the butler wished to speak to her. Putting a dressing gown over her already numerous nightclothes, she went to her dressing room where Wrench was waiting.
“Madam, constable Smallbottom is in my pantry – there has been a serious incident.”
She immediately brushed past him and, ignoring or not hearing his anxious “Madam, do not……” headed for his pantry, leaving him to creak along as fast as he could. So it was with initial surprise, followed by traumatic humiliation that constable Smallbottom, wearing only his right sock and suspender and his bobby’s helmet, battered and on backwards, faced the lady of the house. His hands had been secured behind his back by his own handcuffs. Lady Pitt-Bulstrode was regarding him with an unblinking stare, apparently impervious to his situation. This unfortunate confrontation lasted only seconds – Wrench was on hand to wrap a towel about the constable but the horror of the situation was a blight on Smallbottom for the rest of his life. Lady Ferocity never gave any sign of having been discomforted by the incident.
The unfortunate Smallbottom faces the scrutiny of Lady Ferocity. At least he has had the presence of mind to doff his helmet. The imperturbable Wrench looks on and McGruel (left) lends assistance.
She was, however, outraged and furious about what had brought this about. Head game-keeper Renfrew McGruel had been the one who found the unfortunate Smallbottom after he’d been unceremoniously dumped from the mystery vehicle and he now severed the chain on Smallbottom’s handcuffs with a pair of bolt-cutters. Despite the distress he was experiencing, the constable still had the presence of mind to respectfully remove his helmet in the presence of “quality” before observing the severed cuffs, still round his wrist. “I’ll have to pay for a replacement set” he murmured pathetically.
“Never mind that, man” barked Lady Ferocity “what happened”.
“My lady, they used me cruelly” said Smallbottom. “My bobby’s helmet was mocked and abused. It’ll take a lot of buffing from the misses to get it right again”.
Resisting the temptation to scream, Lady Ferocity nevertheless said
“For God’s sake, man. WHO did” loud enough to cause the constable to flinch before he replied “Why them Archers, of course, begging your pardon, ma’am.”
Once that was established, events moved swiftly. Sir Rufus was informed by telephone and he was back home by late morning. His rage was terrible to behold and he immediately set about organising a suitable party to wreak vengeance on the turbulent Archers. He decided that it would be war to the knife and in those circumstances, only family could be relied upon; with the support of a few trusted servants of course. His daughters were experienced warriors, veterans of bloody conflicts ranging from hand-to-hand rucks with striking miners to political rough-houses across Europe and not forgetting some indeterminate clashes in Asia and the Americas. His son Freddie was a veteran of the Spanish Civil War and some calm, steady support was provided by the likes of Wrench, Stirrup (Sir Rufus’ “man”) and Renfrew McGruel all of whom had seen action in The Great War. Sir Rufus had no doubt this formidable assemblage would quickly deal with a gang of rural roughnecks.
Sir Rufus assembles family, friends and followers
His first move was to gain information on what to expect. Were the Archers expecting retaliation? How many of them were there? Were they armed? These and other questions urgently needed answering.
By great good fortune, Sir Rufus had to hand the perfect person to get answers to these questions. Temerity Ping was an old Cambridge chum of Lady Acceptance and she happened to be staying at the Pitt-Bulstrode’s as the Smallbottom crisis unfolded. Which was very fortuitous because she was also an experienced SIS officer. Professionally, she worked overseas; her service did not operate in the UK, officially at least. Nevertheless, she was happy to put her experience in surveillance and intelligence at the Pitt-Bulstrode’s service. Within hours, she had arrived by bus in Ambridge and set about ferreting out the Archer’s plans. The results of her mission and the response of Sir Rufus can be seen in the previous post:
The View From the Hill 